Cape Town's history . How it all began

First evidence of man

Cape Town history begins with the oldest evidence of modern man anywhere in the world, which has been discovered in the Cape. In 1994 human bones were found at a cave site on the coastline between Cape Town and Port Elizabeth. They were dated back 100,000 years. Similar discoveries have been made on the Cape Peninsula. At Langebaan on the West coast footprints belonging to a human female were dated back 117,000 years.

The Khoisan

The first human communities known to have lived close to Table Mountain were nomadic. They left evidence of their existence in the form of rock art, the oldest of which has been dated back 27,000 years. The Khoisan descended from these communities. This group later became subdivided into the Khoi and the San. The Khoi people were bigger than the San and survived by herding sheep and cattle on the plains. The San Lived by hunting in the drier mountainous areas.

The First Explorers

The Portuguese were the first European seafarers to round the Cape in the 15th century. Their trade routes across Asia had become threatened so they sought to open a new sea trade route to the Far East around the tip of Africa. Bartholemew Dias landed in what is now known as False Bay in 1488 after unknowingly sailing past Cape Point in the midst of a storm. He spent some time mapping the area before returning to Portugal.

The 'Cape of Good Hope' was then named because it was seen as an ideal landfall location on the long sea route to Asia. Vasco de Gama was the next explorer to visit the Cape and the southern coast of Africa in 1497. His expedition of four ships opened a sea route to India for the spice trade. He was followed through the next century by more Portuguese and Spanish trading ships. The first Englishman to round the Cape of Good Hope in the late 16th century was Sir Francis Drake while being pursued by the Spanish fleet.

The early explorers mapped the coast of Africa, and opened the way for settlement of the Cape. They helped to influence the course of European and Southern African history. The Cape with its sheltered landfall at Table Bay became an essential landing stage on the trade route to the Far East. The city of Cape Town was established and this in turn opened up the interior of South Africa to European colonisation in later years.

The Dutch VOC Influence

English sailors landing at the Cape had reported that the resident Khoi were "ferocious" This was found not to be the case by seamen from the Dutch East India Company (VOC) who first established a supply base at the Cape in 1650. The Dutch had been concerned that the British would annexe the Cape, so despite reports of rough Cape seas, Khoi aggression and various political influences, they eventually went ahead with building a permanent settlement.

A disgraced VOC merchant Jan van Riebeeck volunteered to establish the Cape supply base. He was ordered to build a Fort for defence, and a produce garden in order to supply passing company trade ships with fresh fruit and vegetables. Cape Town history, from these small beginnings, was to change for ever.

The First Dutch Settlement of the Cape - 1652

Jan van Riebeeck's job had been to set up a vegetable garden in order to supply passing ships with fresh produce. He was also ordered to build a moat encircled fort by his employers the VOC in order to defend against possible invasion by the British.

The various Khoi clans in the Cape Peninsula area were estimated to consist of around 6000 people at the time. They shared the available land between the clans but constantly moved on in a nomadic fashion. They had initially accepted the encroachment of the Dutch on the lands peacefully. The Khoi farmed cattle and sheep which were seen as an indication of status. These animals were also used for trading between clans.

When food supplies were found to be insufficient to meet the needs of both passing ships and his men, Van Riebeeck attempted to trade with the Khoi people but this turned out to be largely unsuccessful. The VOC allocated plots of land to a number of van Riebeeck's men in order to build farms and improve the supply of food. The Khoi were slowly cutoff from their traditional land and the settlers took their livestock for food. As a result their relationship with the settlers slowly soured, they became hostile and war resulted.

Eventually in the 1670s the Khoi clans disintegrated. They could not match the guns of the settlers who were encroaching on their territory, and they could no longer protect their livestock. Many escaped to higher ground to join the San. Some were imprisoned on Robben Island and a few elected to work for the new farmers who became known as 'burghers' or 'boers'.
The First Slaves

The infrastructure for the VOC base at the Cape was slowly being expanded by the Dutch settlers. It soon became apparent that more manpower would be needed to complete the various projects, which could not be obtained from the Khoi, so van Riebeeck requested the VOC to send slave labour from their bases at Ceylon, India and Indonesia. Others were shipped to the Cape from Madagascar and Mozambique. This decision was to lead to the establishment of the Moslem and Malay community in Cape Town and set the course of Capetown history. A total of 60,000 slaves were brought in between 1658 and 1807.

The Beginning of Cape Town

The VOC had instructed Jan van Riebeeck that a trading post was all that they required and that a town should not be built at the Cape of Good Hope. His farmers and soldiers had other ideas however and persuaded van Riebeek to allow them to develop trade skills and professions. Eventually when van Riebeeck left in 1662 to take up a VOC post elsewhere, a number of shops, taverns and boarding houses had been built on a grid of streets which became known as 'Cape Town'. A few years later the old fort was demolished and a stone castle built which became the Governor’s residence. Jan van Riebeeck had laid the foundations for the diverse multi-ethnic society which developed in later years and for which he would always be remembered.

Simon van der Stel

Here is a name that is well remembered in Cape Town and beyond. By 1679 the VOC had seen the potential of colonising the strategic Cape region. They sent Simon van der Stel to expand the community and develop farms and settlements. Van der Stel established the first wine farm in the Cape Groot Constantia which continues to produce quality wines, and he brought in wine farmers to plant vineyards in the surrounding Cape areas which were named Paarl, Stellenbosch and Franschoek.

The Cape Peninsula and Winelands were widely colonised by 1700. Wide tracts of land and businesses were allocated to immigrants from Holland. Manual work was accomplished by the use of slave labour. The settlement was not yet recognised as an official 'colony' except by the VOC at this stage and although it had a hospital it did not yet provide for formal schools and churches.

What is the Easter Bunny

The Easter Bunny is usually considered to be a benevolent, vaguely supernatural creature that brings gifts to good boys and girls. Today these gifts are usually in the form of chocolate Easter eggs.

The origin of the Easter Bunny probably goes back to the festival's connection with the pagan goddess Eostre. Eostre (sometimes spelt Oestre) was a fertility goddess from whom we derive the word "oestrogen" and she is closely associated with fertility symbols such as eggs. The rabbit is known as a highly fertile creature and hence an obvious choice for Easter symbolism.

In fact the use of a rabbit is probably a mistake - the Easter "bunny" is more likely to be a hare, since it is the hare that is usually considered the sacred creature of Eostre. Hares have been considered sacred by many cultures inclusing the ancient Egyptians who believed them to watch the moon during the night. Although hares and rabbits are related they are most definitely different creatures, as a certain Bugs keeps reminding us!

The earliest known reference to our modern Easter Bunny tradition appears to be from 16th century Germany. In the 18th century, German settlers to America brought the tradition with them. The Bunny was known by them as Oschter Haws (or Osterhase) and brought gifts of chocolate, candy and Easter Eggs to good children. Often children would make up nests for Oschter Haws, sometimes using their Easter bonnets, and the Bunny would leave his treats there.

Fewer children today have bonnets or build nests, however it is common in some places for the Easter Bunny to scatter and/ or hide its treats for the children to find on an Easter egg hunt. A Bunny costume is a also popular suit for the festivities.

The idea of a giant supernatural rabbit that lays millions of chocolate eggs in one night is, of course, incongruous and ridiculous. Fortunately that is no problem for the imaginations of young children.

Lucky them.

Curry

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.















One of the most widely used of the anti-aphrodisiacs, Curry is made by grinding the African vampire worm Curridus to a pulp, drying the remains and chopping them into a fine red or yellow powder. It is a poison used by Third World shamans in Central Europe to eliminate friends. It is supposed to be good with chips and a beer, though it tastes better on the way up than it did on the way down. Curry gets its pungent flavor from Flavor beans found far, far away in Parapa Palace. Defeat the Horseman who lives there and find a candle.

History

While the real origins of curry remain unknown, it has been claimed that it was invented around the birth of Jesus by the three Wise Men, who bought gold, frankincense, and two Vindaloos with all the gubbins and a garlic Naan. This ensured that the baby Jesus's first night was comfy cosy, and redolent with the smell of vindafart, the true sign of maximum divinity. Since then, curry has been mentioned regularly in history for its ability to cure the common cold and tame wild geese, who find curry suppositories quite soothing. It is also the main food for the Khadri residence and can be found in most British homes, where it is the official National Dish. The atrocious smell can kill in extreme conditions. That's the smell of the curry, not the smell of the homes, although with some people it's difficult to tell.

Different Tastes

Curry is quite tasty, especially in comparison to the bland American "food". Dishes like chicken tikka masala were made for the white people in Britain.

Curry in Britain Traditional rock festivals love to serve lentil curry as it is a stimulant for rocking. Scientists believe that by inserting hosepipes up the rectums of all hippies at Glastonbury, it would be possible to solve Britain's dwindling natural gas reserves.

Unfortunately, nobody is willing to get that close to a hippy's arse.Curry, or Indian food in general, has been declared the National Dish of Great Britain, narrowly overtaking Crumpets, Fish and Chips, Class A Drugs and Kangaroo. It became popular due to large numbers of Indian immigrants, and celebrity chef Jamie Oliver's attempts to get it on the menu of national school dinners due to its high nutritional value and low calorie content. It is believed that curry has been used to drive away the British and others trying to conquer India.

Traditionally young Britons of a certain age go out and order Vindaloo, one of the spiciest known Indian foods, as a rite of passage. This is why Britain is populated by 6" rugby players, who are usually the only survivors. The fatality rate increases drastically if this challenge is attempted sober.

An adult British male spotted eating any Korma is considered automatically gay and summarily beaten up and raped by his "not gay" Rugby playing communists.

Curry Sauce

Staple food of the poor man, great with Kebabs, Chip-dipping and Prawn Crakers (Shrimp Chip or Shrimp Cracker). Usually sold by Chinese restaurants and German markets where a dipping-chilli is supplied.

Chilli














Granny Lucifer's chilli sauce is popular amongst masochists in all countries that haven't yet banned it.Poop is to curry what heroin is to marijuana, although somewhat more expensive. Chilli addicts start off taking curry just for kicks, but soon find it can no longer deliver the high they needed, so they take chilli instead. The strongest type - Malaysian Death Chilli - is so hot that if someone not used to it were to even look at a bowl of noodles containing just one single drop their head would immediately turn into a supernova. And that really, really hurts. It is said that, in Peruvia (or Argiebargietina or somewhere else in the country of Southamerica) there is a chilli so hot that locals mix it with water and use it to strip the paint off cars. But this is not true because, as everyone knows, Southamerica is a mythical country that does not really exist.

Cape Town the Mother City

This is taken from Uncyclopedia which is a content-free encyclopedia and is very obviously sheer genius.



"The only thing that the Cape should be hosting is an invasion”
~ Gautengers on 2010
“Nothing would solve the problem of Cape Town as well as Global Warming.”
~ Al Gore on Cape Town
“There is no other place that I would rather be imprisoned for 20-odd years than on some island nearby.”
~ Nelson Mandela on Cape Town





Cape Town is a city on the coast of South Africa, so called because the wearing of capes or cloaks is compulsory within the city limits. Founded by Batman on his way to Melbourne in 1556, Cape Town is also called "The mother city", believed to be due to the highly expressive vocabulary of the local dialect (See: "your mother") and the cheap and nasty (but potent) local wine. A different school of thought believes the origin of the name lies in the fact that it takes 9 months for the local government to do anything about everything.





Geography


Cape Town is situated on a sandbar under Table Mountain (so called because unlike most mountains, it is flat and made entirely of wood) at the bottom end of Africa, on a peninsula that is often unfavourably compared to Florida, which is longer and thicker. As most Capetonians will tell you, it is where God (Jesus's Dad) was born.


History

Historically the region was of major significance to European sailors travelling the treacherous route to the Far East on foot. This gave rise to the naming of its southern most tip, The Cape of Good Hope. In the light of experience it was renamed "The Cape of Storms", and is now known as the "Cape of Good Dope". For many now and in the past The Cape of Good Hope was also believed to be the southern most tip of Africa, but it is, in fact, Cape Agulhas (named for the use of injectable drugs) that holds that title. Despite this known fact, the region still relies on this misconception to promote tourism in the area. The evolution of the name to The Cape of Good Dope would indicate the reasons behind this confusion. The terms "Kap a reef" form part of everyday speak in The Cape of Good Dope and many other parts of Cape Town.


The European settlement was founded in 1652 by the Dutch under Jan Van Reebock. However his successor, Simon ven der Merwe founded the Van Der Merwe dynasty that ruled until 1994.


Medical Science

Cape Town became famous for the first successful heart transplant operation at its "Big Shed" (Ghrütte Skhûr) Hospital by the Christian Barnyard Team. And so the medical professionals decided to branch out into other trail-blazing forms of transplant. Despite many, many attempts at brain transplants these have been unsuccessful in managing to transfer an entire human brain, instead giving rise to many prominent local politicians.


Another revolutionary medical discovery is the cure for HIV, as promoted by ANC Deputy President Jacob Zuma. After much in-depth research a cure to HIV was discovered which is both simple to administer and freely available - it is called "Showering" and involves standing under a flow of H2O and allowing these super nano-particles to magically remove the virus from inside the HIV sufferer. The highest success rate of this treatment is found in the HIV negative portion of the population.


HIV is not however to be confused with a completely different disease called AIDS, which is also simple to cure. This is another discovery by the South African Medical Council, an organisation made up of highly qualified and much respected "Traditional Healers". They found, through in-depth studies of their own, that in order to cure AIDS one should consume vast quantities of garlic, onion and beetroot, although the rubbing of lemon juice on infected parts is also believed to 'delay death'. Through the magic contained in these fruits and vegetables, they will cure the disease and prevent AIDS sufferers from coming anywhere near a person. The major exponent of these cures is Dr Man-to-Shabalala who received much acclaim in Canada recently when announcing these 'cures'.


It is also important to congratulate Dr Shabby La La further as she has recently also been taking seriously the problems of the skills shortage in the medical profession in SA by trying to get through as many livers as possible thus giving the new doctors as much practise as possible in transplant surgery. Unfortunately no transplant procedure exists for her other condition cirrhosis of the brain.


Culture

Cape Town is neither as wealthy nor as large as Johannesburg, so the inhabitants compensate with a superior attitude based on the claim that they were there first. Cape Town, however, has a great wealth of homosexual males. Some of the gay hotspots of the city include Sea Point, Green Point, and Camps Bay where many can be seen flaunting themselves in skimpy thongs while roller blading along the sea front road.


It is socially unacceptable for a Capetonian to talk to people that they have not previously talked to, which severely limits social interactions. If the opportunity should somehow present itself, a traditional Cape Town greeting is "Jou ma se poes", often abbreviated to "Jou ma", which means, roughly "Good day and good health to you and your good mother, sir!"


"Robin Island", in the bay, was named after Batman's faithful sidekick. Later it was renamed "Robbin' Island" and used as a jail, like Alcatraz but with colder water around it and more sharks in it. Nelson Mandela was imprisoned here for over 50 years, after being convicted of charges of failing to respect Prime Minister Koos van der Merwe's authority, and being black in a public place.


In 1994, after the revolution, it became legal to be black in a public place in Cape Town, but severe inequality still persists due to the fact that the white people still have most of the money, the best land, and big shiny German cars. Efforts to redress this historical imbalance are progressing well, particularly the "muggem" initiative.

Urban hazards include roaming lions, hyenas, crocodiles, the occasional hippopotamus in the rivers, great white sharks, agressive street vendors, tigers, three-headed giant mutant African wombats and the local "bergies". Watch out for endemic HIV, tuberculosis and leprosy.
It is compulsory for all tourists to leave Cape Town with at least one wooden curio in the shape of a giraffe.

An insult often heard between brawling "Bergies" is: "Jou ma is a boesman" which literally translated means "Your mother is a bushman!" This is regarded as the most derogatory thing you can say to another Capetonian though ironically, the statement carries a high probability of being factually correct.

Economy

Major industries include growing the cash crops of wine and marijuana, making mousetraps, drug abuse, homosexuality, watching paint dry, petty crime and mugging tourists. Cape Town holds the record as the site of the largest car park in Cape Town.


Since 2006, the town council of Cape Town has embraced an "Amishisation" policy, and has turned its back on the use of electricity, declaring it a decadent bourgeois luxury. Electricity is slowly being phased out in a series of "power cuts", and it is to be replaced by the use of candles, paraffin lamps and fires for illumination and sing-alongs for entertainment.


Local dialect

gam dala - language spoken by kaapse flets mense
dala jou numba - pick up line
handgaffel - masturbate
broo - a brother or other friend
blom - walk around in malls & other places of blom
lum - lay around on the beach & other lum places
skut - drive around in cars that are very low to the ground
entjie - cigarette or other smokeable rollup
bergie - A rugged urban outdoorsman. They drink a fine local beverage called "meths"
robot - traffic light
ses - someone who steals
yali - smoker's favourite statement
boeka - eat at night
Ayz - spoken by some
horrok - roll, vienna and chips
gatsby - bigger roll than horrok
farmstall - bigger than gatsby
zol - a potent green tobacco substitute
dagga - a smokeable grassy weed
kinnes - girls
pote - police persons
grot - ugly female (also sometimes: gruk, greveldonkie, grafsteen)
rakam spuiker - uglier than a grot
koebus doring - uglier than above mentioned two. just shoot the bitch!
slums - muslims. Sometimes called "mozzies" by rich middle-aged white women
hosh - a salutation of sorts
Gam - Half-white , Half-black knife bearing thug. Often lacking in front teeth (which has resulted in a dialect comparable to "Leet Speak")
aweh - hello good sir



Famous Capetonians

Thabo Mbeki - Mr Prez
Nelson Mandela - Reported to be THE batman
Najwa "Who's jou Tatie Nou?!" Petersen - Peace Embassador of Cape Town
Helen Zille - Miss South Africa 2006
Donna "Darkpussy" Vos - Queen of All Witches and True Ruler of South Africa (she "throws the bones" for Mr Prez)