Cape Town the Mother City

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"The only thing that the Cape should be hosting is an invasion”
~ Gautengers on 2010
“Nothing would solve the problem of Cape Town as well as Global Warming.”
~ Al Gore on Cape Town
“There is no other place that I would rather be imprisoned for 20-odd years than on some island nearby.”
~ Nelson Mandela on Cape Town





Cape Town is a city on the coast of South Africa, so called because the wearing of capes or cloaks is compulsory within the city limits. Founded by Batman on his way to Melbourne in 1556, Cape Town is also called "The mother city", believed to be due to the highly expressive vocabulary of the local dialect (See: "your mother") and the cheap and nasty (but potent) local wine. A different school of thought believes the origin of the name lies in the fact that it takes 9 months for the local government to do anything about everything.





Geography


Cape Town is situated on a sandbar under Table Mountain (so called because unlike most mountains, it is flat and made entirely of wood) at the bottom end of Africa, on a peninsula that is often unfavourably compared to Florida, which is longer and thicker. As most Capetonians will tell you, it is where God (Jesus's Dad) was born.


History

Historically the region was of major significance to European sailors travelling the treacherous route to the Far East on foot. This gave rise to the naming of its southern most tip, The Cape of Good Hope. In the light of experience it was renamed "The Cape of Storms", and is now known as the "Cape of Good Dope". For many now and in the past The Cape of Good Hope was also believed to be the southern most tip of Africa, but it is, in fact, Cape Agulhas (named for the use of injectable drugs) that holds that title. Despite this known fact, the region still relies on this misconception to promote tourism in the area. The evolution of the name to The Cape of Good Dope would indicate the reasons behind this confusion. The terms "Kap a reef" form part of everyday speak in The Cape of Good Dope and many other parts of Cape Town.


The European settlement was founded in 1652 by the Dutch under Jan Van Reebock. However his successor, Simon ven der Merwe founded the Van Der Merwe dynasty that ruled until 1994.


Medical Science

Cape Town became famous for the first successful heart transplant operation at its "Big Shed" (Ghrütte Skhûr) Hospital by the Christian Barnyard Team. And so the medical professionals decided to branch out into other trail-blazing forms of transplant. Despite many, many attempts at brain transplants these have been unsuccessful in managing to transfer an entire human brain, instead giving rise to many prominent local politicians.


Another revolutionary medical discovery is the cure for HIV, as promoted by ANC Deputy President Jacob Zuma. After much in-depth research a cure to HIV was discovered which is both simple to administer and freely available - it is called "Showering" and involves standing under a flow of H2O and allowing these super nano-particles to magically remove the virus from inside the HIV sufferer. The highest success rate of this treatment is found in the HIV negative portion of the population.


HIV is not however to be confused with a completely different disease called AIDS, which is also simple to cure. This is another discovery by the South African Medical Council, an organisation made up of highly qualified and much respected "Traditional Healers". They found, through in-depth studies of their own, that in order to cure AIDS one should consume vast quantities of garlic, onion and beetroot, although the rubbing of lemon juice on infected parts is also believed to 'delay death'. Through the magic contained in these fruits and vegetables, they will cure the disease and prevent AIDS sufferers from coming anywhere near a person. The major exponent of these cures is Dr Man-to-Shabalala who received much acclaim in Canada recently when announcing these 'cures'.


It is also important to congratulate Dr Shabby La La further as she has recently also been taking seriously the problems of the skills shortage in the medical profession in SA by trying to get through as many livers as possible thus giving the new doctors as much practise as possible in transplant surgery. Unfortunately no transplant procedure exists for her other condition cirrhosis of the brain.


Culture

Cape Town is neither as wealthy nor as large as Johannesburg, so the inhabitants compensate with a superior attitude based on the claim that they were there first. Cape Town, however, has a great wealth of homosexual males. Some of the gay hotspots of the city include Sea Point, Green Point, and Camps Bay where many can be seen flaunting themselves in skimpy thongs while roller blading along the sea front road.


It is socially unacceptable for a Capetonian to talk to people that they have not previously talked to, which severely limits social interactions. If the opportunity should somehow present itself, a traditional Cape Town greeting is "Jou ma se poes", often abbreviated to "Jou ma", which means, roughly "Good day and good health to you and your good mother, sir!"


"Robin Island", in the bay, was named after Batman's faithful sidekick. Later it was renamed "Robbin' Island" and used as a jail, like Alcatraz but with colder water around it and more sharks in it. Nelson Mandela was imprisoned here for over 50 years, after being convicted of charges of failing to respect Prime Minister Koos van der Merwe's authority, and being black in a public place.


In 1994, after the revolution, it became legal to be black in a public place in Cape Town, but severe inequality still persists due to the fact that the white people still have most of the money, the best land, and big shiny German cars. Efforts to redress this historical imbalance are progressing well, particularly the "muggem" initiative.

Urban hazards include roaming lions, hyenas, crocodiles, the occasional hippopotamus in the rivers, great white sharks, agressive street vendors, tigers, three-headed giant mutant African wombats and the local "bergies". Watch out for endemic HIV, tuberculosis and leprosy.
It is compulsory for all tourists to leave Cape Town with at least one wooden curio in the shape of a giraffe.

An insult often heard between brawling "Bergies" is: "Jou ma is a boesman" which literally translated means "Your mother is a bushman!" This is regarded as the most derogatory thing you can say to another Capetonian though ironically, the statement carries a high probability of being factually correct.

Economy

Major industries include growing the cash crops of wine and marijuana, making mousetraps, drug abuse, homosexuality, watching paint dry, petty crime and mugging tourists. Cape Town holds the record as the site of the largest car park in Cape Town.


Since 2006, the town council of Cape Town has embraced an "Amishisation" policy, and has turned its back on the use of electricity, declaring it a decadent bourgeois luxury. Electricity is slowly being phased out in a series of "power cuts", and it is to be replaced by the use of candles, paraffin lamps and fires for illumination and sing-alongs for entertainment.


Local dialect

gam dala - language spoken by kaapse flets mense
dala jou numba - pick up line
handgaffel - masturbate
broo - a brother or other friend
blom - walk around in malls & other places of blom
lum - lay around on the beach & other lum places
skut - drive around in cars that are very low to the ground
entjie - cigarette or other smokeable rollup
bergie - A rugged urban outdoorsman. They drink a fine local beverage called "meths"
robot - traffic light
ses - someone who steals
yali - smoker's favourite statement
boeka - eat at night
Ayz - spoken by some
horrok - roll, vienna and chips
gatsby - bigger roll than horrok
farmstall - bigger than gatsby
zol - a potent green tobacco substitute
dagga - a smokeable grassy weed
kinnes - girls
pote - police persons
grot - ugly female (also sometimes: gruk, greveldonkie, grafsteen)
rakam spuiker - uglier than a grot
koebus doring - uglier than above mentioned two. just shoot the bitch!
slums - muslims. Sometimes called "mozzies" by rich middle-aged white women
hosh - a salutation of sorts
Gam - Half-white , Half-black knife bearing thug. Often lacking in front teeth (which has resulted in a dialect comparable to "Leet Speak")
aweh - hello good sir



Famous Capetonians

Thabo Mbeki - Mr Prez
Nelson Mandela - Reported to be THE batman
Najwa "Who's jou Tatie Nou?!" Petersen - Peace Embassador of Cape Town
Helen Zille - Miss South Africa 2006
Donna "Darkpussy" Vos - Queen of All Witches and True Ruler of South Africa (she "throws the bones" for Mr Prez)