The lighter side of Project Management

Today I’m going to write about why project managers are almost universally loathed by technical staff. Let me begin with a Dilbert cartoon which illustrates the sentiment:

TOP 10 Project Management Proverbs.

1. Frozen specs and the tooth fairies are the same; both are myths that will melt away when sufficient heat is applied
2. The conditions attached to a promise are forgotten; only the promise is remembered
3. The bitterness of poor quality lingers long after the sweetness of meeting the date is forgotten
4. A badly planned project will take 3 times longer than expected - a well planned project?…only twice as long
5. Feather and Down are padding, changes and contingencies are real events
6. The sooner you begin coding…The later you’ll finish
7. The sooner you get behind schedule…the more time you’ll have to make it up
8. When all is said and done…more is said than done
9. A little risk management saves a lot of fan cleaning
10. Good estimators aren’t modest if it’s HUGE, they’ll say so
    

Project Management Truths

• Everyone asks for a strong project manager when they get her, they don’t want her
• The most successful project managers have perfected the skill of being comfortable being uncomfortable
• Never underestimate the ability of senior management to buy a bad idea and fail to buy a good idea
• The typical project sponsor would rather start 10 projects than complete 1 single one
• People under pressure do NOT think faster
• It it happens once, it’s ignorance; if it happens twice, it’s neglect if it happens three times, it’s policy
• A ‘piece of cake’ is any unit of work, regardless of scope, for which someone ELSE is totally responsible
• No matter what has to be done immediately…there is ALWAYS something else that has to be done first
• A committee is a group of people that meet for hours to produce a result known as minutes
• Diplomacy is the art of letting other people have your way
• The nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete SURPRISE rather than being preceded by worry & depression
• Fast – cheap – good: You can have any two
• Projects don’t fail in the end they fail at the beginning
• No plan ever survived contact with the enemy
  

Top 10 Times when @#$% is O.K.

10. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?" Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
9. "What the @#$% was that?" Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
8. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" Custer, 1877
7. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.“ Einstein, 1938
6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" Picasso, 1926
5. "How the @#$% did you work that out? Pythagoras, 126 BC
4. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?“ Michelangelo, 1566
3. "Where the @#$% are we?" Amelia Earhart, 1937
2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" Noah, 4314 BC
1."Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" Bill Clinton, 1998
BUT, the topper has to be…
"Geez, I didn't think they'd get this %#*^ing mad." Saddam Hussein, 2003

'Twas the Night before Crisis:

’Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
Not a program was working not even a browse.
The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cut over hadn’t a prayer.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of queries danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But, a Super Developer, oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
And he whistled & shouted & called them by name:
On Update! On Add! On Query! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code, then he turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger on the ‘Enter’ key,
The system came up…and worked perfectly.
The updates updated, the deletes they deleted,
The inquiries inquired, and the closing completed.
He tested each whistle and he tested each bell,
With nary an abend for all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded.
The user’s last changes were even included.
And the users exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
“It’s just what I asked for… ...but it’s not what I want!”

Anonymous

The theory of Project Management

Nothing gets done…till nothing gets done. Anon